Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
