I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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