Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Green mimosas i think yes
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
