I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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