i wish starbucks made bloody marys
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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