My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
