I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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