I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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