sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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