Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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