I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
