i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
