Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
