my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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