Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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