i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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