The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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