jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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