I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
