tonight lets celebrate not being married
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
