Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
