the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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