she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
