my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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