I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
