mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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