you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
