The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
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so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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