So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
