Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i think i have two assholes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
