so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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