Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
