I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
