You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
