why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
