i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
