Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
