by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
