please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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