I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize