Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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