About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this will be a night to untag.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
