I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
