If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
