I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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