I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
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No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
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Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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