i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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