So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
