Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.