her vagine was all disorganized.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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