Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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