I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
