So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
