Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
