There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
