Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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