i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He kissed a someone with a penis
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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