ugly people sure do ruin things
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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