Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
